Starfox: Ion
by Phoenix MetaBlade
Summary: A dysfuctional Starfox team finds it difficult to get out of the hangar...
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Damn the Stereo!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Starfox or any of its characters

"**YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!**" The scream, all too common in heavy metal, thundered down the Great Fox's halls and into Fox's room, causing him to bolt upright in bed. Now wide awake, Fox swore profanely. "What the fuck, Falco? Turn down your goddamn stereo, or I'll blow it up!" The guitar riffs escalated in volume.

Fox got out of bed, pulled on a pair of sweatpants, and grabbed his blaster from his bedside. He had resolved to destroy the source of the Worst. Morning. Ever. In his head, he conjured a 3D map of Falco's room. A mirror stood across from the stereo. Mind made up, left, right, left, right…the pace of his footsteps quickened. Falco, deaf as usual, heard pounding bass and machine-gun drums.

Past Slippy's room, past Tyson's room, blaster shot charging, blaster swinging like a broken pendulum. Fox's vision blurred; all he saw was the rapidly-approaching door and the inhumane sounds behind it. His steps were in a staccato rhythm (**dun tun dun tun dun…**) "3…2…1…" Fox stutter-stepped and leapt. At the zenith of the leap, Fox swung his blaster 'round and fired.

A blue bolt discharged from the blaster, speeding towards the mirror; while Fox "flew" into the storage closet at an awkward angle. He was thus unable to see the spectacular explosion of the stereo; a red-orange fireball emitting a blinding white flash, while the smell of charred metal permeated the ship's air.

As light and color returned to his eyes, Falco immediately knew who had blasted his stereo. "FOX!" he screamed, furious.

Meanwhile, Fox extricated himself from the boxes he flew into. If a Hollywood director had seen his shot, the man would have been crying at its sheer awesomeness. John Woo would have approved. Fox took one step and **WHAM!**

There was a slight cracking sound as Falco's fist (I think) met Fox's muzzle, as wind met mountain, and Fox fell spinning to the cold floor. "Sweep the leg!" The ultimate cheesy 80's quote echoing in his head, Fox swept Falco's feet out from under him. Fox lifted his heel over Falco's ribs and prepared to finish him when…

"THE GENERAL'S ON THE HOLO!!!!!" Slippy cried at an eardrum-splitting volume. Tyson thought, _The General can't see this. _Time froze suddenly while he walked over to Fox and pushed him away from Falco. He then picked Falco up and placed him at attention. Time resumed its normal pace, and Fox's heel plummeted to the floor as The General apparated in front of them.

"OWWWWW!!" Fox cried as he flailed madly, embarrassing himself. "A-TEN-TION!!" The General barked. Standing carefully on one foot, Fox gave The General a hearty salute. "At ease," The General ordered.

"There are times when you need soldiers of fortunes/sons of bitches. This is one of them. A CDF fighter containing information more valuable than your ship was shot down and captured. Your mission-"

"is to recover the information at all costs. Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before. Now how much are you gonna pay us?" Falco interjected.

"Is that all, 'Pyle'?" The General asked. Silence reverberated throughout the ship, from the storage closet to the engine room. "You all will be rewarded handsomely after you recover the information. Now move out!" The General disappeared into charred air. "You heard The General, let's go!" Falco sprinted to the hangar, with Fox right on his tail.

"Dammit Fox, you stepped on my tail!" "My bad." When they weren't arguing, "PAYDAY!" echoed through the halls.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Recon/Recovery

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Starfox or any of its characters, except Tyson Arcman. Lumines and the Sony PSP are the property of the Sony Corporation.

Fox leapt into his Arwing about a half-second before Falco could do the same.

"How did you beat me?" Falco asked incredulously. "Simple: I'm faster than you." Fox replied with a smirk.

Silent, Falco closed the cockpit and booted up the Arwing's systems. Meanwhile, Tyson Arcman just arrived and Slippy was three steps behind him.

Fox called out, "What's taking you guys? I thought you wanted money." Tyson replied, "I don't care about material possessions." Falco then asked, "Then why did you join a team of _mercenaries? _We're _hired guns_. We do our jobs for _money._"

Realizing defeat, Tyson climbed into his Arwing. Finally, Slippy the slowpoke scrambled…no, wait, too fast…lumbered…much better…into his Arwing.

"Slippy, you have the coordinates in the systems, right?" Slippy's face said "Oh shit, I forgot". Fox facepalmed and said with exasperation "I'll get them". As he jumped out of the Arwing, combat rolled, and ran down the hall, he thought: _Slippy is a dumbass. _

To pass the time, Falco pulled out a Sony PSP Slim and started playing Lumines. Immediately, Nintendo Nin-forcers (I know, stupid idea, spare me the lecture) fell from the ceilings and congregated on Falco's Arwing.

"Aw crap, not you guys again!" he cried. "We had a deal! You no play Sony! You are Nintendo's property! NINTENDO'S!!!" The head Nin-forcer pulled out a laser and fried Falco's PSP. In a flash, they all vanished.

"Fuck! First my stereo, now my PSP! Phoenix, I hate you! Now what am I supposed to do for enjoyment and productivity evasion?"

A Nintendo DSi XL hit the bird's head, complete with a copy of Starfox Command. "Sweet, a video game based on us! Hey, I don't look like that! Why does this keep freezing up! DAMMIT!"

Fox mercifully returned with the coordinates and football-threw the disk at Slippy, because Fox really wanted to get moving. I mean, **warp-speed moving**. Unfortunately, Slippy the slippery bumbled the disk and clapped it between his palms. It shattered like a wine glass meeting a wooden floor.

Insanity invaded Fox's mind; and his tantrum began. Falco looked down on the scene and immediately closed his Arwing cockpit again. Tyson jumped out of his Arwing as time inexplicably froze. Time rewound itself to the point where Fox was entering the hangar with the coordinates. Tyson removed it from Fox's iron grip, strolled over to his Arwing, and entered the coordinates into the system. Time fast-forwarded to Fox's tantrum, during which Tyson called out, "Fox! The coordinates are in the system! We can leave, money-grabber!"

Fox snapped out of his delirium, ran and leapt like an NBA player into his Arwing. Dwight Howard would have been proud. The cockpit shut behind him, the bay doors opened, and out flew the Starfox team! Fox led the formation, with Falco off the tip of his right wing. Slippy and Tyson were on the edges of the formation.

They fireballed into Fortuna; coming in behind streaking white light. Fox conveniently landed in a pile of tall grass. Tyson overshot the landing point and landed…in a nearby swamp. Slippy and Falco landed on Fox's left and right flanks. When Fox climbed out and surveyed the scene, he stated: "Come on guys, let's go get the rookie."


End file.
